Apologies – Chris Brown

Well you know that the internet has usurped television as the primary method of covering your ass when Chris Brown, known abuser of Rihanna, goes on YouTube to apologize.  And despite his paltry attempt to convince the audience that he has wanted to speak out and apologize against his attorney’s recommendation, Chris Brown’s apology goes in the same bucket as KFC’s Rodger Eaton (no pun intended).

Now what, pray tell, is so wrong with Mr. Brown’s apology?

1. Timing – ATTENTION CHRIS BROWN.  Fire your attorney, your agent, your manager, and anyone else that told you to shut up right after abuse allegations unfolded.  You had a burgeoning music career in tow, worldwide fame, and a fan base enviable by some of the greats.  Making a carefully worded statement, expressing sympathy, and humanity makes it a little better.  Shutting up and running.  Well, think about it.  What did OJ do when he was guilty (thanks Johnny)?
3. Sincerity – After watching this video, if you get the feeling that Chris Brown is staring at your crotch, you’re not alone.  Not only was it obviously teleprompted, but the teleprompter wasn’t near the camera.  What good is an apology if you aren’t looking the crowd in the eye?
5. Patronizing – Again, fire your agent.  Brown credits: God, spiritual leaders, Mom (aren’t you proud I beat the tar out of my girlfriend?), Minister.  When that doesn’t work, he speaks to you like a disapproving father.  “I tried to make you proud.”  And finally, when that doesn’t work, justification.  “I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence.”

Then there are the not-so apparent things that people have noticed about the video.  Around 0:25, Chris states that for the most part, he has done a good job of being an upstanding role model followed by these two short facial expressions:

Though most people will not be able to pinpoint the reason they think he’s being insincere, this is it.  Ever made an honest statement followed by quickly closing your eyes, looking down, then making a smug lick of your lips?  Bravo Chris Brow, bravo for the worst apology of the year so far.